5 Takeaways from Women To Watch
Just after Thanksgiving - November 28th- will mark one year since my husband Jeff passed away from brain cancer. It’s very recent, so naturally when people meet me, they often expect that I’m going to deep dive on death, dying, and grief. And I DO talk about those things, a lot - but I think what’s surprising for people is that I also spend an equal amount of time talking about things like love, hope, miracles, and magic. The truth is, you can’t talk about grief and death without also acknowledging everything else that surrounds the edges.
My husband was young, healthy, and living an amazing life when he was diagnosed with cancer. When his consistent headaches and brain fog began to feel less like everyday stress and more like something serious, I took him to the ER. That was a Wednesday night; by Sunday morning he was in brain surgery. After that there was chemo and radiation—and the tumor vanished. We had a 5 month period of perfectly clean brain scans; we thought we beat it. We did beat it. And then in October of last year, it came back, but this time on the other side of his brain—and within two months he was gone.
This journey has taught me so many beautiful and profound lessons about life. Here are the 5 big takeaways I shared on stage at this year’s Women to Watch event. I’ve found these to be applicable both personally and professionally. They’ve provided a framework for how I live my life- and I hope you find them helpful too.
# 1 - Savor the moments
Long before cancer, Jeff and I lived our lives with a sense of urgency—we always made the most of our time together. We traveled the world with our kids, exploring new places and devouring the sites and sounds. When we were home, the four of us were always together, in the garden, on the playground, at the dinner table, reflecting and savoring. The life we built together was far better than our wildest dreams and we truly lived *every moment* of it like it was our last.
We were never sleepwalking through life, we were always wide-eyed, thinking how did we get so lucky? It was that practice of savoring that gave us clarity at the end of Jeff’s life: We had truly lived every possible moment together. Your life is happening right now. Be present and savor the good times.
#2 - When you live your days filled with love, kindness and integrity, you will have nothing to clean up at the end of your life.
Jeff was such a gentle and sweet person. He always did the right thing. He was incredibly diplomatic and very humble. At his memorial at Zumiez, where he spent his entire career working in an industry he loved amongst people he adored, I was struck by how often his colleagues spoke of his quiet leadership and endless generosity. When the time came to reflect back on his life, he had the most beautiful peace in his heart. A peace that can only be achieved when you’re completely aligned with your core values….even, and perhaps especially when no one is looking.
#3 - Dig deep and show up for the moments in your life with courage
Throughout his cancer journey, Jeff and I spent a lot of time talking about the symbolism of buffalos. We used to watch them on our trips to Yellowstone, a place he loved - and we learned that they’re known to run straight into storms because it minimizes the amount of time, pain, and frustration they experience as a result. During Jeff’s cancer journey, WE had to become the buffalos and go directly into the storm. We didn’t have a choice. We had to be brave. And we were able to do that because of the community of people that rallied around us to support us during the darkest of times. Our friends had to become like buffalos too. They came bravely into our storm and held hands with us in the dark, even when they knew they couldn’t fix it. They were present for us in deep and meaningful ways that my family will forever be grateful for.
#4 - Don’t get lost in the story – draft your own
Jeff and I had no experience with cancer prior to his diagnosis so we had no idea what was just around the corner. And in a way, that saved us – because we were blissfully unaware of what was coming next. We spent zero time questioning what was unfolding or wondering whether or not any of it was fair. We took it all one step at a time, through our fear, sadness, and grief. We embraced the journey and we held hands with the sorrow, we chose to walk on the sunny side of the street—and I think that saved us.
#5 - Dream big and make space for magic
We didn’t know any of the statistics when we got Jeff’s diagnosis. We didn’t know that the 10 year survival rate for glioblastoma is only 1%. That left a lot of room for hope. We truly believed we could beat Jeff’s diagnosis. And for a moment in time, we did.
The power of positive thinking is real. And I know that firsthand because Jeff did things during his cancer journey that most people can only dream of. Even when he was in the thick of chemo and radiation, he was up at Snoqualmie Pass snowboarding with our son Liam. And when he had the strength, he had a thriving art practice with our daughter London that brought both of them so much joy. He loved his work and managed to get back to it just two months after his brain surgery. He didn’t want to waste any time looking back. He wanted to move forward.
In the last year of his life, we went back to some of his favorite places: London, Kauai, Montana. We are his legacy now – a legacy that we are always honoring, a legacy of savoring the goodness of life, of living with kindness and compassion, courage, and curiosity. Of writing our own story and making space for the magic that might unfold.
At the beginning of our journey nearly two years ago, we prayed for a miracle. And in fact, we got many. Among those miracles was an amazing doula who told us right from the start that this was going to be the hardest thing we’d *ever* have to do. And it was. But she also told us that it could be beautiful if we let it. And in that very moment, Jeff and I looked at each other and said, “well, then let’s let it be beautiful.” And It was.
Today is a miracle, too. This exact moment. The fact that I’m here feeling strong and alive and plugged in. The fact that our children are thriving and have peace in their hearts. The fact that this month Gossip & Glamour will celebrate 14 years in business - a milestone Jeff would have been really proud of because he was the one who encouraged me to dream a bigger dream than I could ever have dreamt for myself.
I truly believe we can all live this way—in all aspects of our lives. Because that’s what living is- All the ups and downs. All the starts and stops. All the lessons learned. Embrace it. Be present in each moment, because life can be beautiful- if you let it.
